Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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