porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
