If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
