so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
