your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
