Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
