I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
