is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
