pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
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