I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
