my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
