I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
