I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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