i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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