Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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