it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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