My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
