I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
