I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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