Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
