my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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