u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
