He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
