I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
