I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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