I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
