my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
