Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
