I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
