franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
