if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
