Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
