I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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