You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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