My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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