I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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