i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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