the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
