Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
