i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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