My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
