if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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