I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
