I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
