Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
