if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I didn't notice because vodka
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
