I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
