fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
