I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
