If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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