I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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