oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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