and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
