Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
