i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
