Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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