Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
