Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
