Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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