Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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