Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
