every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
