I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
