my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
